When Something is funny only to you

I swear, this bit is funny, and I'm going to try it again. Maybe I'll change the tone of my voice from one of irritation to one of confusion, but I know this is funny.

Sometimes, you just have a feel, ya know?

I remember about seven years ago during my first tour of duty in comedy, I went on this incredible rant about Tom Cruise, listing movie after movie in which he played himself, delineating ridiculous plots.

Nothing. I got nothing, well blank stares and nothing. I aborted half way through the bit, baffled.

Two things were working against me. ONE- Cruise was wildly popular at the time. TWO- most people hadn't seen "Far and Away" and some of the other piles of shit he had starred in. Ironically, as someone that despised him at the time, I had seen them all, probably hoping one would be worse than the last.

Though I flew into the side of a mountain in '99 with the bit, now I look like George Orwell, predicting the future. If anyone had heard of those films or cared, that would be a terrific bit.

Example two-About a year ago, there was a picture of Jessica Simpson on a tabloid in a bikini. Keep in mind, this was before she beefed up and got in shape for the Dukes of Hazzard debacle. Anywho- Jessica is there is a bikini, with her ribs sticking out like she posing for advertisement for C.A.R.E. Her hip looks like a makeshift shiv, threatening to put the eye out of anyone that goes down on her.

The caption reads, "How can Nick leave her now, when she's THIS HOT???"

I was thinking, "well maybe he just went out to get her some chinese food or a pizza before she starves to death." (Scattered laughter) Then I go into a dissertation, "LA is the only place that a girl can show up on someone's doorstep with her ribcage sticking out and someone says, hey... let's get some breast implants on you and put you in pictures."

That got nothing, nothing. After the show, three separate women came up and thanked me for the joke. I was thinking, "laughter would have been thanks enough, now why don;t you drop a few pounds and buy a padded bra."

JOKING, I WAS JOKING.

Above joke continued: I have a theory that the guys that determine what looks are hot in the fashion industry grew up masturbating to National Geographics. That's the only way you can explain some of these articles, This Year's hot new fashion trend...FAMINE!"

Okay, so maybe it was more pointed than funny.

My latest funny-only-to-me is this piece of wisdom...

I met a girl on a cruise last week, well I had known her from a previous cruise, but anyway, not important...

We spent a lot of time swimming on exotic beaches, hanging out in hot tubs, etc. I was chatting with her via phone the other day and she mistakes something I said for "what size are you?"

When I explain that I hadn't said that, she says, "oh good, because that would be a little inappropriate, you should never ask a girl her size... that's very personal."

Um...okay... but I've seen you in a bikini... I already KNOW what size you are? What is it about knowing the number at Old Navy that corresponds to that size that makes it inappropriate?

I think this is hilarious. I have presented it to a few people, some men some women. The guys mostly laughed, about half of the women thought it was funny, but the audience totally stiffed me, and I brke it out in the middle of a roll, so I can't blame a cold crowd.

A good friend and trusted comedy confidante stoned me... told me it just was't funny. "Where's the joke?" she said.

Ouch.

I appreciate honesty, but I think the joke is obvious. Our society is so programmed into body type fear that even when someone has seen you practically naked, you have to guard that information like you're calling Al Qaeda from the greater DC area.

To me, ad as it is, it's amusing and certainly needs to be talked about.

Then again, I'm a guy so what the hell do I know?