Monday, October 31, 2005

Once Bitten, Twice shy

Okay, let's first make the distinction between a passable hair band and an outright disgrace. At the risk of volunteering to be a lightening rod for abuse, I will admit to liking 80s music, disco, pop, and new wave, as well as Sinatra, Led Zepellin, the Sex Pistols, Ramones, Green Day and (gulp) Lorena McKennitt... because it's hard to meditate to the Ramones.

I like some bad bands, too. I stand by Bon Jovi's first two CDs. Intellectually challenging? Maybe not, but good fun, stupid pop/rock. J. Geils? Love Stinks rules, I am actually listening to it right now, and it's a lot of fun. Like Robby Roadsteamer often says, "what happened to rock n roll being fun?"

There is a line I am not willing to cross. I have no tolerance for the Warrants, the M0tley Crues, the Wingers of the world, and perhaps worst of all, "Great White". I think I loathe Great White more than most because they had the gall to take themselves so damn seriously.

I was assaulted by Great White's "Once Bitten, Twice Shy" the other day, courtesy of 93.7, "MIKE" FM, which frequently claims they " play everything."

As the inane lyrics penetrated my head like a railroad spike, I actually felt insulted.

Be warned, if you continue on with today's essay, the responsibility for any undue agony is your own.

You never knew how rock n roll looked
until you saw your sister with the guys from the group

Looked? Group?

Oh for cryin' out loud... even BAD metal is supposed to rhyme!

It only gets worse.

Half way home in the parking lot
by the look in her eye she was getting what she got

my my my
once bitten, twice shy

my my my
once bitten twice shy, BABE

Yeah...throw in "babe" for the illusion of cool at the end of such drivel.

Fuck, man.

First off... as a youth I heard my share of bullshit "I got laid" stories by idiots in their late teens that clearly had never been close enough to an actual girl to smell their perfume. These mythical tales usually started with something like "yeah, so we had sex, then I boffed her, then we did it."

As a rule, there would be one cat in the group that had actually been with a girl and smelled a rat. This dude would ask such probing questions such as, "Oh yeah? Where'd ya bang her?"

This would usually be more than enough to get the once-upon-a-timer frazzled to the point where he would blow his cover.

"Um... where did we do it? um... half way home? No, in the parking lot, yeah it was in the parking lot I think."

Great White... you gotta be shittin' me. Half way home in the parking lot?

Please... I've heard more credible accounts of fictitious events from the Bush Administration.

In addition to despising Great White for insulting my intelligence, and oh- killing a bunch of people in Providence during a concert by using dangerous pyro-technics and starting a fire in a failed attempt to distract patrons for the horrendous music, we can now hate them for apparently being the only hair band that never actually got laid.

As if this isn't enough, the song "Once Bitten" jumps off the cliff and actually worsens as it cruises into the chorus.

This is a prime example of lazy song-writing... lyircs that don't rhyme or make much sense, followed by a cliche-chorus that has absolutely NOTHING to do with anything said up to that point in the song.

my my my
once bitten twice shy

...and oh, I don't wanna forget the pivotal "babe" at the end of that line.

once bitten twice shy, BABE

This is cliche rock in its lowest form.

"Once bitten, twice shy" is a phrase that means you got burned once, so you're going to twice as careful next time. What the hell does that have to do with the string of nonsense blathered yup to this point in the song? Sheeesh- nothing, that's what.

They could just as easily be singing "hey hey hey, it's take an apple a day" ot "mine mine mine, a stitch in time saves nine...BABE"


The story gets more painful, if you can imagine it. I stopped in to Newbury comics to see if I could find a copy of Great White's CD "Once Bitten". I found one for $3, but in the process, I combed through 80s compilation CD racks and discovered Great White had covers of "Ramble On" and the Cult's "Love Removal Machine". As I continued my search, I uncovered the unthinkable: Great White put out a DOUBLE CD called "Double Dose". One entire cd was dedicated to annihilating 14 Led Zeppelin songs. Now I know they had raped Led Zep I for a version of "Babe, I'm gonna Leave You", but an entire CD of this blasphemy? What could they possibly have been thinking?

What ever you may think of Led Zepellin, nobody deserves that kind of treatment. John Bonham must be spinning in his grave like a top.


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