Thursday, October 20, 2005

Listening to Howard Stern is worse than a root canal

What the hell has happened to this guy? Is it me?

To tell you the truth, I haven't listened to Howard in a few years, but I dimly recall him being, irreverent and outrageous, but mostly just plain funny. yeah, some of his notions were giftwrapped misogyny, but you could chuckle, shake your head and enjoy the guy's creativity in spite of his topical choices.

I tuned in a few weeks ago on my short (12 minute or so) ride to work. I came in midway through a conversation about how Howard can't really bare to work at his current station and can't wait to move on to satellite radio and how much better it will be. I listened for a couple of minutes, but this seemed to be the theme, so I moved along the dial to something else.

Last week, I recalled that Stern was still on WBCN and decided to check in. Amusingly, or not so amusingly, I caught him mid-rant on the unsatisfactory condition of his present work environment. I made it through about two sentences of indignation before I flipped to another channel.

Yesterday, on the way to work. I punched the radio on I had left it on WBCN the night before after channel surfing (I removed WBCN from my programmed channels after they screwed Robbie Roadsteamer out of the BCN Rock n Roll Rumble title after he totally dominated the final round) Anywho... who is it but Howard Stern. The topic? The "ridiculous" working conditions this man is being forced to suffer through. This time I decided to leave the show on for the whole ride. I was actually quite curious to see if they were going to move on to something else, unfortunately, it appears that this had actually become the show.

Stern made twelve minutes feel like an hour with a never-ending stream of whining, pissing and moaning about the sad state of affairs at his current place of employment. Today the theme was (surprise!) how he can't work there anymore.

"I just can't work here anymore..."

As Howard ranted with a dull moan reminiscent of the throb of a tooth awaiting extraction, his sycophant crew sang in behind him, echoing his sentiments in an annoying, pandering harmony. All I could think of was Mike Tyson, surrounded by jugheads telling him it was a pretty damned good idea to drag the beauty queen into his motel room.

You could almost hear Robin and Arty singin' it, "yeah Howard they done you wrong, everybody, everybody, they against you, they done you wrong and they against you, it's them it ain't you Howard, it's them, they against you man."

The other day's theme was about how silly the FCC was for restricting Howard's bits.

"I can't even say pussy on the air! Why can't I say pussy on the air?"

Um... you just did?

Is it me?

When does this get funny?

Howard roiled over how he was restricted from using this bit, how "ridiculous" it was, how ridiculous the situation was, how ridiculous the e,players were, how ridiculous the FCC was, and how ridiculous (shocker) it was that he had to go put the bit up on his satellite station to "get it to the fans" because it was a "great bit".

Now I'm wondering what the hell the bit is, maybe it's worth all this nonsense. I wonder if it is a skewering of Bush, of some new information about the scandal involving members of the White House staff. It might be a send up of something.

What does it turn out to be? Constraints on how much he can say about bowel movements.

bowel movements!!! Are you shitting me???

No pun intended.

Stern goes on to absolutely rail about the silliness of barring him from describing and talking about this issue. Stern's bowel movements are an issue now? Boy, does this make me wanna get right behind the old first amendment.

bowel movements? The bit on Howard's ass can't wait for satellite? What the hell is going to change in the next few months that will make that bit any less funny?

One of Howard's cronies chimes in (actually, that guy is funny as hell), "yeah, everyone has them, why can't we talk about them?"

This is driving this creative genius out to satellite radio, the inability to talk with more detail about moving his bowels.

Satellite nor any other medium can make this shit funny. Granted, it will be a relief to not hear about how much the station blows, but how long will that even last. Is Stern being able to say "pussy", the f-word and the c-word and detailing the activities of his ass going to make for better radio?

Actually, after listening for a total of twelve minutes the other day... yeah, yeah it probably will be an improvement.


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