Best Cab Ride Ever

I hopped in a cab outside the Golden Nugget the other day and enjoyed the best R-rated show in Vegas.

"Hey, can you take a left up here? This guy took me the shortest way to Caesar's yesterday, and it really worked out well."

The cab driver was a disheveled guy in his late fifties, "You don't wanna take the highway? Fine, but don't blame me if we hit traffic."

It was a straight shot for a mile or so after turning, but the cabbie immediately asked me "where now, where now, what do you want me to do, you're in charge, buddy."

"Hey, you know where you're going," I said.

"I feel like a proctologist, with all the a**holes like you I take care of every day. What are ya, a poker player? You look like a bum... where you from?"

"Kentucky."

He shoots me a look, "that why ya got one tooth?"

"Massachusetts."

"Oh great, an east coast a**hole, I won't get a dime for a tip out of you, will I?"

"No, and I might short you a dime."

"I'll shoot ya."

"I gues that's fair enough."

I already liked the guy, now I was starting to love him. I couldn;t figure out how he was keeping a straight face, "I really appreciate a sense of humor."

"Sense of humor nothing, I can't wait to get you the f*** outta my cab."

My phone rang, and he says, "ring ring ring, answer that for f***'s sake."

It was my oldest brother, Jon.

"What's the plate number for this cab?"

"None of your business."

"Jonny, call the cops, I'm in a cab with a lunatic in Vegas."

As my brother chuckled, the cabbie yells, "he's a LOSER, Jonny... a LOSER!"

After a minute or so on the phone, "blah blah blah, like I need to hear your life f***ing story, J**** C*****."

"What do you do for a living," he asks.

"I'm a giver, by nature, so I take care of an autistic guy."

"THAT's bullshit... how long you done that?"

"About seven year's, same time you've been out of jail."

He tried to contain the fact that was impressed by this.

At this point, a street has been closed, and we hit a detour.

"Nice going, genius, what's your plan now? THIS is why I hate driving through town, jackass."

The guy in front of us, takes a right on red, "look at this moron, running a red light in broad daylight."

"Isn't that just a right on red?"

"So what?"

"Why don't you take it, too."

"Because I don't care how long this takes. Are you gay?"

"No. I tried to get in, but they said I didn't dress well enough."

"My girlfriend beeped in when I was on the line with my brother. I was afraid to answer it."

"Get her on the phone, I wanna talk to her."

"Are you nuts? You just ran a red light, sat at a green light, you think I'm going to give you a PHONE? You can't handle the road as it is, I'll be lucky if I'm only mamed on the ride."

So I rang her up and handed the phone over to him.

"Hey Smurf, what re you DOIN' with this guy... talk about a loser... is he giving you drugs?... is he blackmailing you? Get out while you can."

Before saying good-bye, I told Tina she was right, I probably should have borrowed her rape whistle before I headed to Las Vegas, this snarky comment solicited an audible laugh from the guy.

You autistic too?"

"No, I'm just an alcoholic." We drove by a row of adult video/peep show joints and I chimed in, "Hey, would you believe that...a strip joint in Vegas!"

"Ever thought about giving it up?"

"Drinking? I did, in 1996."

"You want me to stop for some booze?"

"No. If you think I'm an a**hole now, try pouring a couple drinks down my throat and see what happens."

"So, why don't you marry this girl, if she's so terrific."

"I'd marry her yesterday, but she has too much sense."

Now the guy is laughing out loud.

This guy was the asolute bright spot of my week. I forgot 75% of the conversation we had during the ride, but we never stopped laughing on the inside and keeping a straight face on the outside, like a couple of great actors determined not to be the one to crack a smile so the whole scene had to be re-shot. It is rare that someone goes toe-to-toe with me, line for line, and I got the impression that the cab driver had the same feeling.

When I got out, the parting was sweet sorrow. I knew I'd never see him again, but I was glad I'd met him. We shared an understated good-bye like a couple of samurai who acknowledged the skill of their opponent with the slightest of bows.