Monday, August 27, 2007

Dusting off the Blog, Emerging from Sloth

Okay okay- I have been EXTRAORDINARILY lazy this year. Truthfully... I have very little to write about (I claim) because I have been doing zero, zilch, nada. I am like Seinfeld after his showed went off the air 9minus the $250 million.) I have become the guy in "Office Space".

My modest success with poker this year allowed me to cut my work hours to 24 per week (one 24 hour shift) and I have used all the extra time to do, well nothing.

My spiritual condition, once suspect, has at last been convicted. I am guilty.

If the charges are:

taking gifts for granted- guilty as charged.
coasting- guilty.
slothfulness, laziness, self-centered veg-ing, then find me guilty, guilty, and guilty.

I have a sweet apartment on a lake in Shrewsbury now (or "the Shrew", as I like to call it.) It is super easy to just sit and veg out here. My girlfriend Tina is an absolute doll who is happy with me the way I am, and is just glad I am a good guy and treat her well. She doesn't care if I ever get on The Tonight show or win a World Series of Poker event, or make a million dollars

For some reason, my reaction to prosperity is to shift into neutral and coast. Somebody said to me that coasting is only possibly if you are going downhill, however slight the slope.

It is this, along with other reasons, that has prompted me to thrust myself into a position of service this winter. I will be volunteering at the Covenant House in NYC (I think, although they could feasibly send me somewhere else.).

The Covenant House is a homeless shelter for teens, most of whom have serious drug and alcohol issues. I have long wanted to volunteer there, but never could afford it. I am not a millionaire by any means, but fortune has come my way to the degree that I can at least give a few months of my time to these kids.

Lest I try to to sound too saintly, I want to help these kids, I really do, but I am doing it for myself more than anything. My meditation life has been at best spotty and at worst, non-existent, and when it comes to discipline, I am seriously lacking.

I can hear the flurry of great friends I have typing emails already, telling me to put down the club (that I like to use on my head). Hey- I know I am a really decent guy and a pretty good person. I like me, I do... but I know who and what I am.

I am a person afflicted with mental illness, emotional illness, in the form of alcoholism. The antidote for this condition for me has been a relationship with God, a relationship I have seriously neglected. That connection brought about a change in my thinking and actions that can't really be explained, but certainly has been witnessed by plenty.

I don't mean to imply in any way that God is pissed off at me and punishing me or anything kooky like that...all I am saying is that the connection is like any other relationship. It needs to be fed to thrive. In my experience, the Power just pours out love and wellness... it is me who turns off the spigot.

My path has been one of experiential learning. I rarely learn from someone else's mistakes, and generally my the same mistake several times myself before cluing in. I don't seem to self-apply spiritual instructions I give to others seeking help. This is one reason why I think the structured environment of Covenant House will help me get "back on the beam".

One thing I am good at is following directions and honoring commitments. When I sign in to Covenant, I am going to follow directions and do what I am told. For me, listening to others is about the highest form of obedience of which I am capable.

Hmmm... if you think I am being a tad rough on myself ( or maybe you think not tough enough, hahahaaaa) I will quote an old friend, "there is no waste in God's economy."

Every single experience I have will be used by me or someone else, if I just stay in the game, if I just keep plugging.

So I have been lazy, so what? Most people as alcoholic as me are dead or dying, or living lives which make them wish they were dead. I am luckyluckylucky, and I;ve done a fair bit to help others out of the abyss I crawled from.

As of now, I am referring to my current status as "resting for future spiritual endeavors" instead of "slugging it up".

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