Monday, July 10, 2006

Reviews for the Five Worst Movies...

...that I have never actually seen.

Okay, so maybe it seems unfair to judge a film without seeing it, but the following flicks seemed to be so lame, I dared not watch them.

I see a lot of movies, many of them bad. I take care of an autistic guy, so we often see something because of the time it is playing, or because it looks like it might make people in the audience laugh (which he likes to be around) or may have a good musical score or lots of special effects.

Another reason I frequently see poor films is that aside from the summer months when he is in Maine, I go weekly with my dad. Dad is 83 this year, so he gets to pick the movie each week.

Dad explains why this is fair in the following statement, "You can see what you want to see when I'm dead."

He has a point there.

So dad picks... dad often chooses Steven Seagal or Jackie Chan vehicles, or any movie where lots of things get blown up, or "punks get what they have coming". It's okay to blast a few rounds into someone's head, as long as he has been properly portrayed as a "really bad guy".

"Geez dad, that one had an awful lot of violence"

"Yeah... but that kid was a punk... deserved what he got... he was a really bad guy."

Point, set and match.

Bruce Willis is also a popular protagonist, though I admit, Bruce is one of my own guilty pleasures.

Ironically, many movies I pass over because of outstanding reviews from people that are just a tad too enthusiastic. This attitude kept me from seeing "The Matrix" for about two years. I just refused to believe anything with Keanu Reeves could be that good. Alas it was, and I stand corrected in that case. However, avoiding over-enthusiastic reviewer picks has been a staple of my movie-going experience, and I stand by it.

The second most popular reason I skip a movie is due to a lame trailer.

The third is when a flick is a sequel to a movie that sucked.

Here is the list. I am sure to miss many terrible selections, so feel free to add your own.

5. Satisfaction

Justine Bateman hasn't worked since she wall-papered it up in this yawner, proving that a complete lack of personality was not reserved for "Family Ties" and various talk shows. Her performance in the trailer shouted, "Yes, I really have no charisma or personality whatsoever.. there is truly nobody home."

The biggest surprise is that Julia Roberts hasn't sued to get her name removed from the credits.

4. Gigli

A lot of folks probably think this yacker should be number one, but that would be too easy. The trailer for this look horrendous, which is probably the chief reason about nine people saw it on opening weekend in spite of the overwhelming press Ben Affleck and Jenifer Lopez were receiving at the time. When the terrible reviews came out, most people were like, "...and?"

3.Die Hard With a Vengeance

Die Hard II was so lame, that any further investigation into the Die Hard franchise need not take place.

Good news... "Die Hard 4" is is in pre-production in 2007, yippee!!! It's about time Hollywood came up with some fresh ideas.

2. Malibu's Most Wanted.

The dorky white guy rapping shtick has been beaten to death. This lame shlock was already past its expiration date long before this piece of crap hit the theaters, giving teens legitimate cause to throw ten-dollar-a-bucket popcorn at screens across the nation.

1. Thelma and Louise.

I know I am going to get some guff for this one, but I hated this film more with each plea from my sister Debbie to go see it. In each instance she would describe some awful thing some man did to one of these poor girls which inevitably justified them getting shot or (the ever-popular) kicked in the groin.

This was a feminist version of the vigilante crap-ola my dad loves. The goal here is to build up the baddies to be soooo bad, that any action taken against them seems not only justified, but ordained by some higher power. "She shot him in the back of the head???" "yeah, but he (think of worst possible thing a man could do in this situation and multiply it by five)"

The flip side of this popular tactic is to make a husband/boyfriend (Titanic) or wife/girlfriend so awful, so horrific that adultery is the only course of action that makes any sense at all.

1. This is tough, but I'm going with a surprise pick here... the soon to be released "Clerks II"

Clerks was fun because it was low-budget and craftily written, different and a breath of fresh air in a time of cloned flick after cloned flick. It is now no longer "fresh and new" and it actually hurts to see Kevin Smith milk this dead horse for a few clams over a decade after it hit the screen.

To begin with, Clerks was good because it was unique, period. The acting was horrendous, especially that of lead actor Brian O"Halloran (Dante). This guy hasn't worked since, barring a couple of bones tossed to him by Director Kevin Smith.

There will a couiple of amusing observations by the first film's saving grace, Randall (played by Jeff Anderson) but they will be obvious and contrived.

Skip it.


"Freddie Versus Jason" Inane meets ridiculous and conspires to rob you of ten bucks.

"Look Whos Talking Too" A sequel to a one joke movie. No thanks.

"Lake House" As if a reunion of Keanu and Sandra Bullock wasn't enough to remedy the affects of Cialis, this implausible gem comes along and prods me toward the third rail. I think I actualy began to menstruate during the trailer.


Blogger Dee-Rob said...

Hey Korte, Long time no see.

I have to object to your encapsulation of "Thelma and Louise." Not because I care whether you see it, but because I think you are factually incorrect.

The fun part was exactly the opposite of the men deserving it, yada yada. Sure the first crime may (or may not) have been justified, but it liberated them to a completely gratuitous spree with a very good soundtrack.

Maybe there was moral ambiguity or justification, but the crowd went wild cheering for the least provoked crime -- Blowing up a guy's truck for his yelling shit out the window and flicking his tongue at them.

I thought it was more fun, cartoon-y violence, like "Road Warrior." (In defense of this position, the "nice guy" part is played by Harvey Keitel.)

On the other hand, I have seen "Satisfaction."

6:01 PM  
Blogger Dot Dwyer said...

Hey Korte, I have to agree with Dee on this one. Though, I think a lot of guys don't get what they REEALLY deserve. . . . But, I digress. Since I know you haven't read my blog, I can agree with you on the Lake House-though I did sob more than once, mostly because I couldn't believe that these two gorgeous people had trouble meeting someone living in their own time period. More movies that suck Big Hairy Moose Co**. . ."Glitter", "Fast & The Furious:Tokyo Drift", "Picture Perfect" and ,the gold standard for a bad film "The Wedding Planner". You're welcome.

10:57 AM  
Blogger Korte said...

I am shocked, shocked I say that two liberal feminists disagree with my assessment of Thelma & Louise.

You bastards are going to make me go see it now.

Thanks a LOT.

Did I mention that I am still a feminist.

6:40 PM  
Blogger Dot Dwyer said...

Do you need to borrow a tampon ?

10:12 PM  
Blogger Dee-Rob said...

Dot, read his last post, especially that his snarkiness included using "horn" as slang. Korte's way past the age for tampons.

But I hear those mini-fans help with the hotflashes.

10:18 PM  

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